


Of Mice and Mayhem

by ToPerceiveIsToBePerceptive



Series: The Promised Prompts [4]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Also no bullying, Gen, If you're fine with the first line you're fine with the rest, Nothing too violent or gratuitous, Prank Wars, minor animal death, you'll know what i mean when you read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 06:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14159088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToPerceiveIsToBePerceptive/pseuds/ToPerceiveIsToBePerceptive
Summary: There can only be one prank-master. Will Dorian or Sera reign supreme?Happy April Fools.





	Of Mice and Mayhem

**Author's Note:**

  * For [floof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/floof/gifts).



> Yep, I'm trying to get back into posting these. This one is for floof who is amazing and asked for "Sera and Dorian go on a prank war, Bull approves?" as her Drapetomania request. I hope the instigating incident isn't too much for some people.
> 
> Because it's based on actual events.
> 
> Also, this story owes its existences to my cat, my sister and her shoe, so thanks to all those people.

It started off with a dead mouse in Dorian’s shoe.

Dorian had been late for a meeting at the Inquisitor’s advisors. Very late. He may have slept in for a little too long, and that may have had something to do with copious amounts of alcohol the night before. Or the Iron Bull’s company the night before. Or a combination of the two.

He had dashed out the door with his robes only half on and his boots in his hands. He had learnt from his days in the circle how to leave his quarters half-dressed and arrive at his destination immaculate. It had been a useful skill back in Tevinter, sneaking out of lover’s beds. Dorian had even used it once or twice in Skyhold, during the early days of his relationship with Bull.

The hardest part was getting the shoes on mid-stride.

By the time he reached the war-room, he was perfect. Not that his comrades appreciated his appearance or the effort that went into it. Bull raised an eyebrow in his direction, which Dorian ignored, and Cassandra glowered at him, which Dorian ignored harder. The only other person who chose to look in Dorian’s direction was Sera. She was doodling one of her obscene notes, no doubt, but as Dorian sank down into the chair beside her, she stopped for long enough to look up at him from under her eyebrows. If it had been any other morning Dorian would have been suspicious of that smirk, but it wasn’t any other morning. It was the morning he was late. So he turned his attention to Josephine and tried to catch up with what he had missed.

Unfortunately, that proved harder than he anticipated. There was something wrong with his boot. His left one to be specific. It was uncomfortably tight at the tip like the toe had been stuffed with cloth.  He gave the obstruction an experimental prod with his toe. It had an unpleasant, spongy feeling. Dorian tried to think back to when he last wore those boots hoping that he hadn’t brought back an unexpected souvenir from the fallow mire. But he had spent the night over in Bull’s quarters, which meant he had been wearing those boots beforehand, and they certainly hadn’t caused him issues then—

‘Dorian, do you have a comment?’ Josephine asked. Dorian’s eyes shot up.

‘Pardon?’

‘You seem preoccupied.’ She said over her clipboard. ‘I’m assuming that your lack-of-focus has nothing to do with why you were late this morning.’

Dorian suddenly remembered what it was like to be a young boy back at the Circle. Josephine was wearing the same sharp expression many of his tutors had turned on him.

‘My sincerest apologise, Josephine. Please ignore me.’

‘Oh, I have been attempting to.’ Josephine said. It seemed as though her normally boundless patience was thin this morning. ‘But your constant fidgeting is making it difficult—‘

‘I am sorry.’ Dorian sighed and lent down to pull off his boot. ‘I have something in my shoe and it’s driving me to distraction—‘

As soon as his foot had left the boot, a grey clump of fur fell out of the opening and landed with a tiny thump on the floor.

Everyone stopped and stared at the lump.

It was a definitely a mouse. And it was definitely dead. The stunned expression on the poor creature’s face seemed to reflect the attitude of the whole room.

The five second silence was broken by a snort and a cackle. Sera was bent in double, her feet stamping on the floor wildly, while she broke into hysterics.

Varric broke next. Then Blackwall. Then in the bloody Inquisitor for Andraste’s sake. Soon the whole room was either openly laughing their arse-off or trying to conceal their face while their shoulders shook. Josephine was struggling to hide behind her clipboard. Leliana had pulled both sides of her hood over her face. Vivienne subtly wiped a tear away from the corner of her eye and Solas, _Solas_ of all people, was hanging onto the back of his chair for stability. When had he developed a sense of humour?

Even Bull was holding his sides while he hooted. The traitor.

The only member of the inner circle who wasn’t laughing was Cole. He just tilted his head under his giant hat and mumbled. ‘Safe, Secret, Snug. A deep down darkness only I know.’

But Dorian wasn’t laughing either. Oh no. The moment Sera had burst into laughter he was preparing. You don’t spend years living in dorms with a gaggle of pre-adolescent boys without picking up a trick or two.

If Sera was so fond of pranks, two could play at that game.

 

‘You alright there, Dorian?’

‘Hmm?’ Dorian drew his eyes away from the window in his library nook to find Bull standing beside his chair. He closed the book he had been pretending to read with a snap. ‘Oh. Yes, Bull. Perfectly fine. What makes you ask?’

‘It’s just this morning when… with the mouse thing. I noticed you weren’t laughing. Wanted to make sure you were okay.’

Dorian smiled and dropped his book on the pile next to his chair.

‘You’re checking to make sure that my feelings aren’t hurt? How sweet.’

Bull shifted his weight from one foot to the other. ‘Look, I know that when you first got here some people gave you grief— ‘

‘Which is how I know the difference between a harmless joke and something more malicious. Believe me, Bull. I am not nursing wounded feelings because Sera pulled a prank on me. It is practically the only means by which she shows affection.’

‘You think it was Sera?’

Dorian looked up at Bull from under his eyebrows.

Bull rubbed his neck. ‘It’s not an unreasonable guess.’

‘I do appreciate your concern, Bull, but you need not fret on my behalf. I am more than capable of taking care of matters myself.’

Bull narrowed his eye. ‘What are you planning?’ Dorian was pleased to hear that Bull tone was more curious than disapproving.

‘Oh, I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise Bull.’ Dorian said, standing up and walking past him, towards the stairs. ‘The anticipation is half the fun.’

 

The next morning as Bull trudged down the stairs towards the ground floor of the Herald’s rest, he discovered what Dorian had meant. As he rounded the stairs on the second floor he heard a string of profanities coming from Sera’s room. He took a second to put on his best nonchalant expression before turning around and walking to Sera’s door.

Sera was on the pile of pillows she called a bed. There wasn’t anywhere else she could be.

The floor of her room was covered in cups of water.

Goblets, teacups, tankards, wine glasses. All full to the brim and covering every inch of floor-space. The slightest wrong move would set off a chain reaction, toppling all of them over.

Sera looked up at Bull. He crossed his arms and sighed.

‘Looks like you’re stuck.’

‘You bet your fat arse I’m stuck. What’s all this piss about?’

‘Hey, don’t look at me. You think _I_ could creep around your room in the middle of the night without waking you up.’

‘Um, _yeah!_ You think I don’t know you’ve still all that sneaky spy stuff going on upstairs?’ Sera pointed at her temple. ‘You could do all this, rob me blind, cut my throat and still have time to have a drink downstairs before anyone shouted “murder”.’

‘I’ll take that a compliment,’ Bull said wryly. ‘But this wasn’t me, Sera.’

Sera scoffed. ‘Alright then. Not you, then who?’

Bull noticed a shadow on the floor moving towards them. He turned to see Dorian strolling in their direction. The mage lent against the doorframe and grinned.

‘Good morning Sera. Still, in bed I see.’

Sera shook her head, but Bull could see a smile tug at her lips.

‘Oh, you sparkly wanker.’

‘Don’t you want to get up?’ Dorian asked inspecting his nails. ‘It’s such a lovely day. I’d hate for you to miss it.’

‘This is all cause of the mouse yesterday, innit?’ Sera said sitting cross-legged on her mattress.

‘My dear, Sera, whatever gave you that impression?’

‘You get that this is war now, right?’ Sera pushed her crooked fringe out of her face so that she could look Dorian straight in the eye. ‘A full-on, knock-down, balls-out grand tourney of pranks. I’m going to come at you like a fucking Bronto.’

‘I look forward to it.’ Dorian said with a small bow, before turning on his heels and walking away. As he left he called over his shoulder. ‘May the best man win.’

‘Yeah? Well, the best man is a woman, _you arse-biscuit!’_ Sera yelled after Dorian retreating back. As he disappeared from her line-of-sight she looked up at Bull. ‘You going to help me or what?’

‘What.’ Bull said.

‘Oh c’mon Bull!’

‘Sorry, but if I have to pick a side, I’m always going to go with the side that gives me blow-jobs on the regular.’

Sera scrunched up her face. ‘Ergh. No. Shut up. Nightmares. Nightmares forever.’

Bull just smiled and turned away. Sera called out behind him.

‘How am I meant to get out, you bastard?’

‘If I were you I’d start drinking.’

 

A week later Dorian was walking along the battlements towards Cullen’s office when he saw Sera and Dagna sitting along the edge. They were giggling, swinging the legs and eating… something. The “somethings” they were eating were round and glossy and stuck on the end of a stick. Dorian couldn’t help but come to a slow stop when he saw them.

‘What on earth are those?’

‘What? Don’t they have toffee apples in Tevinter?’ Sera asked, one cheek full of food.

‘They’re stewed apples coated in caramelised sugar.’ Dagna explained turning the stick between her fingers and watching the sunlight reflect off the apple’s surface. ‘They’re a treat.’

‘A treat?’ Dorian asked.

‘Yes. Most people see them as children’s food but—‘

‘But why should the kids get all the good stuff, eh?’ Sera said elbowing Dagna’s shoulder. She held out her toffee apple in Dorian’s direction. ‘Oi Dorian, you want a bite of mine?’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. I mean, it’s just wrong you’ve never had one before. Can’t go through life not having ever ate a toffee apple.’

Dorian looked down and the offered food.  There was a large bite taken out of it, which somewhat ruined the appeal, but he had to admit, it was tempting.

‘Alright.’ Dorian said plucking the stick out of Sera’s hand. ‘It’s important to try new things.’

As soon as Dorian bit through the toffee and into the white flesh, he knew something was wrong. Instead of the sweet apple flavour he had been expecting, a sharp, almost peppery taste burst through his mouth. Dorian took a few more experimental chews in the hopes it would improve. It didn’t.

‘Are um,’ Dorian suppressed a cough. ‘Are these toffee apples meant to taste this… acidic?’

‘Nah.’ Sera said. ‘But that’s not an apple, innit. That’s an onion.’

Dorian turned sharply and spat the remanence of his toffee onion over the side of the battlements. Behind him, Sera and Dagna were cackling like witches from children’s’ bedtime tales.

‘That’s what you get when you mess with a pro, magic-boy.’ Sera leapt to her feet and gave offered her hand to Dagna. ‘Get out of the game while you can.’

‘But there was a bite taken out of it!’ Dorian said, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. ‘Don’t tell me you were eating it, even though you knew—‘

‘Like I said,’ Sera helped Dagna to stand. As the two began to walk away Sera pointed both thumbs at her chest. ‘Pro.’

 

They had been trekking through the Emerald Graves from before dawn until after dusk. By the time the Inquisitor’s party stopped to make camp, the moon was high in the sky. In exhausted silence, the Dorian, Varric, Sera and Cadash put up their tents and lit a campfire. None of them were up to cooking, so they all agreed to choke down their packed rations and call it a night.

‘I’ll take the first watch.’ Dorian said, stretching his arms over his head and arching his back. ‘You all can head off. I’ll come wake Sera in roughly three hours.’

Sera had been mid-yawn when Dorian made this suggestion. As the yawn wound down, her eyes narrowed.

‘Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you?’ Sera said. ‘Spring your trap on me in the middle of the night, while I’m all groggy and out-of-it, yeah? Well, you can forget that piss. _I’ll_ take the first watch, and _I’ll_ grab _you_ when I’m done.’

‘Sera we’ve been running from Freemen, Venatori, and Maker-forsaken giants all day. Do you honestly think I have the energy to play a trick on you tonight?’

‘You bet your arse I do, you shifty bastard. Don’t think you can pull a fast one on me.’

Dorian shook his head. ‘Fine, if you insist on being paranoid, I’m not going to argue with you. My bedroll beacons.’ He rose to his feet and stumbled towards the tents. ‘I’ll see you at midnight.’

‘Yeah, you do that. Go to bed.’ Sera said, picking up her bow and threading and arrow onto the string. ‘Try dreaming up a better plan while you’re at it.’

As Sera wandered away from the campfire and into the gloom for her watch, Varric lent closer to Cadash.

‘Five gold Dorian springs his prank by the end of the night.’ He whispered.

‘You’re on.’ Cadash whispered back.

 

Sera had never entered a tent more slowly in her life. She first undid the flap without a sound. Then she poked her head through the gap, looking from left to right, scrutinising every dark corner. Carefully she took her bow and stretched it out towards Dorian’s sleeping form.

She prodded him once, in the side, with the bow.

Nothing.

She prodded him again. This time he made a muffled snort and brushed at his side in his sleep.

Sera jabbed him again and again and again and again—

Dorian sat up with a growl, ‘Alright, alright, I’m awake! Please stop poking me with that blasted thing, it’s far too hard.’

‘Something you’ve never said to Bull ever.’ Sera said, crawling into the tent. ‘Just had to make sure it was really you and not just a pile of pillows or something.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Dorian asked pulling on a long coat.

‘You know. Make it look like you’re sleeping so you can sneak up behind me and BAM!’

‘Please stop shouting Sera, it’s the middle of the night.’ Dorian said, rubbing his face. ‘Are you finished with your little bout of suspicion.’

‘Almost. All I have to do is AHA!’ Sera flung back her blankets to find her bedroll… empty.

‘Huh.’ Sera said. ‘I thought you were going to do the lizard thing.’

‘Firstly, you already did that one to Solas, so it’s not worthy of my time. And secondly, I’m not going to put lizards in the bedroll of a person I am sharing a tent with. You know the saying; lie with dogs, wake up with reptiles.’

Sera blew a raspberry at him and climbed into her bedroll. ‘You’re cranky when you’re tired.’

‘I’ve often been told so.’ Dorian said as he crawled out of the tent-flap ‘Sleep well.’

‘Night Dorian.’ Sera called out and let her head fall dramatically back onto her pillow. As the two connected there was a loud “puff”.

From where Dorian stood outside the tent, it looked as though there was a cloud of fine, white smoke that suddenly puffed out the tent-flap. It billowed for a moment before being blown away in the light breeze. There a series of splutters and coughs before Sera’s flour-covered face emerged from the tent.

‘You fucking, shitting, shit-fuck.’ Sera shouted. From the other tent, Dorian heard Varric voice.

‘You owe me five gold, Inquisitor.’

‘Damnit!’

 

‘After that Cadash said that Sera and I couldn’t share a tent anymore and must walk at least five paces away from each other for the rest of the trip. Sera couldn’t get the flour out of her hair for a week.’

Bull was wiping away tears with the heel of his hand. ‘Oh fuck, that’s funny. Was the boss mad?’

‘Only insomuch that he lost the bet.’ Dorian said, sliding a book back into its place on the shelf. ‘However if Sera had gotten within two feet of me, you can guarantee she would have had her revenge. I think Cadash just wanted to prevent an arms race occurring whilst we were on the road.’

‘So she hasn’t paid you back yet?’

‘Not as of this point in time, no.’ Dorian murmured, skimming the book titles and selecting a new one that met his approval. ‘But I am on high alert. I highly doubt that whatever Sera is cooking up next will _AHA_ —!

As soon as Dorian flipped the book open there was a series of sharp firecracker-like bangs and a burst of confetti blasted into Dorian’s face. He dropped the book yelp.

All the eyes in the library turned to stare at Bull and Dorian, the later with tiny scraps of paper wafting around him, and caught in his moustache and hair. Bull had his eye closed and his lips pressed together tight but his entire body was shaking from repressed laughter. Dorian glared up at him.

‘You say a word and you’re sleeping alone for a week.’

Inside the book was a crudely drawn picture of an elf with a bow holding hands with a dwarf. Below that were the words “Widdle is a genius. Dorian is a LOSER”. And below these words was an ugly drawing of an angry man with a moustache.

 

It was in the great hall where Sera and Dorian had their final showdown.

‘Sera this has gone too far!’ Dorian bellowed and he stormed in her direction. ‘I demand you go out there and retrieve all my clothes off the roof this instant!’

Sera crossed her arms and scoffed. ‘Well, that’s what you get when you give someone chocolates with red-hot bits in them!’

‘Chilli in chocolate is a delicacy, Sera, and more importantly I gave those to _Vivienne_!’

‘Yeah, which is how you knew I would end up the one munching on them! I was never going to eat something you just _gave_ to me. Way too suss.’

‘You can’t prove that. Besides it’s not my fault if you pilfer everything you get your dirty hands on.’ Dorian step forward. They were almost nose to nose. Sera shoved at Dorian’s shoulder.

‘And it not my fault you’re a sneaky, creepy, ponce from Tevinter who—‘

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa.’ Cadash lifted his hands, stepping between Sera and Dorian. He didn’t make much of a barrier, but the two of them back up regardless. ‘That’s enough. I’m calling an end to think stupid war-game-whatsit-thingy, right now. Sera, get Dorian his clothes back.’

‘What? But—‘

‘That’s ad order!’ Cadash barked. Dorian smirked. Cadash turned around and glared at him.

‘And you can wipe that off your face, Dorian. I have no idea what’s gotten into both of you, but when you start dragging each other through the mud, you’ve gone too far. If I hear a whisper of this sort of shit again, I’m going to start busting heads. You get that? Dorian?’

Dorian swallowed and licked his lips. ‘Yes, Inquisitor.’

‘Sera?’

Sera looked at her feet. ‘Yeah Cadash. I get you.’

‘Good.’ Cadash said and straightened his tunic. He shook his head and wandered away, muttering, ‘By the ancestors, I sound like my Da.’

As Dorian and Sera watched Cadash leave, Dorian leant in closer to Sera ear.

‘You started this.’

‘What?’ Sera lent away from Dorian and glowered. ‘Don’t put that shit on me. You’re the one who filled my room with water for no reason and shit.’

‘No. You put that mouse in my shoe, first.’

‘What? No, I didn’t!’

‘Don’t deny it Sera, it was obviously you.’

‘If I did it, why wouldn’t I own it, yeah? That shit was hil- _lar-_ rious. If I had put that thing in there I would have got that bard lady to write a song about it, and then like, follow you around playing it for a whole week.’

‘But… You laughed like a maniac when the mouse fell out at the meeting.’

‘Yeah!’ Sera said as though it was obvious. ‘Course I did! It was wicked funny. A bloody dead mouse fell out of your bloody shoe. The way the thing just flopped out and lay there looking up at us. That was gold. Don’t mean I put the thing in there.’

‘You smirked at me when I entered the room.’

‘That was a ‘look-who-is-walking-like-a-crab-after-spending-the-night-with-big-beefy-bull’ look. Not a ‘surprise-dead-thing-in-your-boot’ look.’

‘Hey you two.’ Bull called out to them from the doorway of the great hall. Next to his elbow Cole stood, his fingers nervously rubbing each other. ‘You’ve got to come and see what Cole just showed me.’

Sera groaned her loudest, least subtle groan.

‘Why would we want to see something weird It learned through Its freaky demon shit.’

‘Brittle but bright, breaking through the seams. Like dawn-light through a crack in a stone wall. She tried to make you squeeze it down your throat. But you couldn’t. It was like trying to swallow the ocean.’ Cole replied.

Sera threw her hands up in the air; a silent expression of “See!”

‘I think this may be less to do with “freaky demon shit” and more to do with a convenient location.’ Bull said.

Dorian rested his hands on his hips. ‘What are you talking about Bull?’

Bull sighed. ‘Just stop your yapping and follow me.’

 

‘Amatus, we have been standing here for twenty minutes.’

The “here” Dorian was referring to was Cole’s corner of the attic above The Herald’s Rest. Bull was leaning against the wall, while Sera squatted drawing penis’ on the dusty floorboards. Cole stood where he always stood, in the way he always stood. Dorian shifted his weight from one foot to another, unable to stop himself from fidgeting.

‘Bull, did you hear—‘

‘Shh.’ Bull put a finger to his lips. ‘Just watch, will you. Have a bit of patience.’

‘It would be easier to muster some patience if we knew what we were long for.’

‘Quick. Quiet. Catch and clasp. Always moving until she stops him forever.’ Cole added as though that was helpful.

‘Can we go downstairs and get pissed soon?’ Sera said. ‘I can’t hear It jammer on like that for much longer without getting shitfaced.’

‘There!’ Bull cut in and pointed at the stairs. Dorian and Sera turned and lent forwards a little to see what he was pointing at.

It was a cat.

One of the stay cats that ran around Skyhold.

In unison Dorian and Sera glared at Bull, He grabbed both their head and turned their faces towards the cat. As Dorian pushed off Bull’s hand he caught sight of something hanging from its mouth.

A limp, bloody mouse.

The cat crouching low stalked up the stairs that lead to Bull’s room.

Outside Bull’s doors was a pair of Bull’s muddy boots.

Dorian’s mind flashed back to the night before the meeting. He had gotten back from the fallow mire that day. He’d been able to change his robes, but he’d only bought one pair of boots down south, and there was no disguising the smell. Before he let Bull drag him into that room he had pulled them off and left them outside.

But this was a different pair of boots outside on a different day, and the cat knocking over one of Bull’s boots reminded Dorian of that. Dorian and the others watched in silent fascination as the scruffy little stray ducked its head into the boot and dropped the mouse inside. Then with one paw, it battered the mouse further inside until it was as far down as it would go. Dorian almost jumped out of his skin when Cole started muttering to himself

‘Silent, still, safe. Keep it hidden for later. When I’m ready. When I’m hungry—’

A bellow of laughter rang out. The cat leapt back from the boot and sprinted away, out of sight. But Dorian only caught a glimpse of this before Sera grabbed his shirt and began to hang off it.

‘The cat!’ Tears were trickling down Sera’s face as she struggled to breathe. Her makeup was smearing all over Dorian’s robes. ‘It was the bloody cat! All this time! All this time we were messing with each other and—’ Her words disappeared under an avalanche of cackles as she fell to her knees, dragging Dorian down with him.

He couldn’t stop laughing too.

Deep endless hysterical laughs. Sera and Dorian were trying to use the other to prop themselves up but they both ended up lying in the dust and howling.

'Why are dead mice so funny, The Iron Bull?' Cole asked. 'Is it like Varric's knock-knock jokes?'

'Don't worry kid,' Bull said. putting a hand on Cole's shoulder and watching Sera and Dorian dissolve into a puddle of giggling idiots.  'I think not understanding these two makes you the normal one here.'


End file.
